Thank you. Hey. Welcome to my half-hour special. Does anybody know who I am?
Why did a bunch of people who don’t know who I am show it my special? That’s bullshit.
All right. Everybody. This will be fun.
I used to live here in Los Angeles on Sierra Bonita. And I had an apartment. And I had a neighbor. And whenever he would knock on my wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down.
That made me angry. Because I like loud music.
So he knocked on the wall, I’d mess with his head. I’d say “go around.” “I cannot open the wall.”
“I don’t know if you have a doorknob of the other side.” “But over here, there’s nothing.” “It’s just flat.”
All right, man. I gotta do a half-hour. You get a like me more than that. I can’t be getting through a half-hour with that kind of action.
I like an escalator, man. Because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. All right.
There would never be an “escalator temporarily out of order” sign. Only, an “escalator temporarily stairs.” “Sorry for the convenience.”
I’m going to take it out tonight, boy. I’m going to get too loose. So check it out. This is me being loose.
I rent a lot of cars. Because I go on the road. I rent cars. And when I drive a rental car, I don’t know what’s going on with it, right? So a lot of times I drive 10 miles with the emergency brake on.
That doesn’t say a lot for me. But it really doesn’t say a lot for the emergency brake. It’s really not emergency brake. It’s an emergency “make the car smell funny” lever.
You know you can’t please all the people all the time. And last night, all those people were at my show.
To do this show, I had to like take a physical. They asked me a bunch of medical questions. And they were like yes or no questions. But they were very strangely worded. Like “have you ever tried sugar?” “Or PCP?”
Well, I’m a standup comedian. I got into comedy to do comedy. Which is weird, I know. But when you’re in Hollywood and you’re a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things besides comedy. They say, “all right. You’re a standup comedian. Can you act?” “Can you write?” “Write us a script.” They want me to do things that’s related to comedy. But not comedy. That’s not fair.
It’s as though if I was a cook. And I worked my ass off to become a good cook. They said “all right. You’re a cook.” “Can you farm?” I planted a carrot once.
When you do comedy, you have to start strong. And you have to finish strong. Those are the tricks, right? You can’t be like pancakes. All exciting at first. But then by the end, you’re sick of them.
I did comedy for a fundraiser once. We were trying to raise money to buy one of those machines that shows how much money has been raised.