I like hotels.
I enjoy tiny soap.
I pretend that it’s normal soap and my muscles are huge.
And you can always tell when you’re in a fine quality luxury hotel
when the TV is bolted to a solid steel beam and welded into the wall.
Is this a big problem in the hotel business?
People coming up to the desk: “I’d like to check out.”
The main thing is the bathroom, the shower,
that’s gotta be good.
That’s why I don’t like to stay with people on the road.
I don’t want to be in other people’s showers.
I don’t know how to operate them.
You can never get the ratios right on the dials.
Sometimes a 16th of an inch is a thousand degrees.
You gotta get out of the way of the water.
There’s always that little hair stuck on the wall, too.
And you wanna get rid of it but you don’t wanna touch it.
I don’t know how it got up that high in the first place.
Maybe it’s got a life of its own.
So you gotta aim the shower head at the hair…
That never works.
You gotta get a pool of water from under the shower and over to the hair.
Get it down a foot at a time like this.
The hair is hanging on.
But… we have to fight these battles.
We’re all alone in the bathroom.
Whatever goes wrong you have to handle it.
Did you ever go to a big party, go into the bathroom,
flush the toilet, the water starts coming up…
This is the most frightening moment in the life of a human being.
You’ll do anything to stop this.
You’ll loose your mind, start talking to the toilet:
“No, please, don’t do this to me!”
“No, come on, you know this is not my responsibility.”
“I didn’t make this happen.”
“I’ll get you the blue thing, the man in the boat,
just let me off the hook this one time.”