So I had my little costume, I was physically ready,
I was preparing myself, I did not try on the costume prior to Halloween.
Do you remember… This is an obscure one but…
On the side of the box, I remember from my Superman costume, it actually said:
“Do not attempt to fly!”
They printed that as a warning
’cause kids would put it on and… going off the roofs.
I love the idea of the kid who’s stupid enough to think he actually is Superman
but smart enough to check that box before he goes off the roof.
“Let me see if it says anything about me being Superman…”
“Oh, wait a second here, I…”
So, anyway, but if my hopes were up I was thinking that this is probably
the same exact costume that Superman wears himself.
When you put these things on, it’s not exactly the super-fit
that you are hoping for.
It looks more like Superman’s pyjamas, that’s what it looks like.
It’s all kinda loose and flowing.
The neck line kinda comes down about there…
flimsy little ribbon string in the back.
Plus my mother makes me wear my winter coat over the costume anyway.
I don’t recall Superman wearing a jacket.
Not like I had: cheap __quarteroid__, phony fur.
“Boy, I’m Superman but it’s a little chilly out
and I’m glad I have this cheap little 10 year old kids jacket.”
So I’m going out trick-or-treating but the mask’s rubber band keeps breaking
and keeps getting shorter. I’m fixing it, it’s getting tighter and tighter on my face.
You know, when it starts slicing into your eyeballs there and you…
you’re trying to breathe through that little hole…
getting all sweaty.
“I can’t see, I can’t breathe but we gotta keep going, we gotta get the candy.”
And a half an hour into it you just take the mask: “Oh, the hell with it.”
Bing-bong! “Yeah, it’s me, give me the candy.”
“Yeah, I’m Superman, look at the pants legs, what do you care?”
Looking at those last years of trick-or-treating you’re getting a little too old for it.
Still out there, going through the motions.
Bing-bong! “Come on lady, let’s go.”
“Halloween, doorbells, candy, let’s pick it up and…”
They come at the door… they always ask you the same stupid questions:
“What are you supposed to be?”
“I’m supposed to be done by now.”
“You wanna move it along the three musketeers.”
“I got 18 houses on this block, sweetheart.”
“Just hit the bag, we hit the road. That’s the way it works.”
Sometimes they have that little white bag twisted on the top…
You know that’s gonna be some crap candy.
Doesn’t have the official Halloween markings on it.
“Hold it, lady. Wait a second. What is this? The orange marshmallow shaped like a peanut?”
“Do me a favor, you keep that one.”
“We have all the doorstops we need already. Thank you.”
“We’re going for name candy only this year.”