You know what? I don’t know if you guys noticed, but I am what Hollywood calls “very fat.”
No, you guys know. You know me. I feel very good in my own skin. I feel strong. I feel healthy.
I do. I feel sexy. Also, like, my dad has MS and is in a wheelchair. And it’s, like, I’m just so psyched I can fucking move. I’m just like, “Fuck you.”
How are you gonna complain? [mutters] How do I get rid–” Shut the fuck up! You’re alive. You can move and we feel good.
And, you know, I bought into it, because when I was doing my first movie, Trainwreck, before I did anything, somebody explained to me, they were like, “Just so you know, Amy, no pressure. But if you weigh over 140 pounds, it will hurt people’s eyes.”
And I was like… [groans] I just bought it. I was like, “Okay, I’m new to town.” And so, I lost weight, and I think you should feel healthy and take care of yourself. But I don’t believe in, like, crash dieting or starving yourself.
Like, get the fuck out of here. No. Let’s just, you know– It’s just not right. Yeah, so, thank God I look very stupid skinny.
My dumb head stays the same size. But then my body shrivels, and I just look like a Thanksgiving parade float of Tonya Harding. I’m just like, “Hi!”
Nobody likes it. It’s not cute on me. So, I, like, gained all this weight back. I just revenge-ate as soon as the movie was over. I was just, “I couldn’t have pizza. I couldn’t have–” Like, everything.
And I got worried, because it gets in your head, just everything on television and movies and magazines and the Internet. All the women are just beautiful, like, little skeletons with tits, and you’re just, like–
All day I’m looking at the Hadid sisters and, like, those Jenner things, and you’re just, like… And I got worried. I gained weight. I’m like, “Oh, my God. Are men gonna still be attracted to me?”
And that’s when I remembered– I always forget this– it’s another reason I love men so much. Men, each day, have a thought that goes through their head where they’re, like… “I don’t know why, but I want to put my penis right in your butthole.”
A couple times a day, someone walks by. “Huh.”
You know, just… They’re like, “Look, it doesn’t make sense to me, either, but I know for a fact I want to take the most sensitive, intimate part of myself and just, like, ram it right where you poop. Just, like, ram it!” [grunting]
They’re thinking that, and I’m over here like, “Oh, should I get highlights?”
Like… He doesn’t care! He doesn’t care. “Honey, do you like my new nail color? It’s ballet slipper.” “I would fuck you if your head was a ballet slipper. I don’t care.”
We work so hard, and they don’t fucking care. Isn’t that a relaxing thought?
Like, not anal. But, like, men will fuck us, you know?
If they fuck us, they will come. It’s a beautiful, easy sweatshirt that’s available on my– No, I’m just kidding.