My husband is Asian. Which a lot of people are shocked by, because, usually, Asian-American women who, like, you know, wear these kinda glasses and have a lot of opinions, they like to date white dudes.
You go to any hipster neighborhood in a major city in America and that shit is turning into a Yoko Ono factory.
It’s… too much. I don’t know what’s wrong with these bitches.
I get it, you know, because being with a white dude you feel very… You feel very picturesque when you’re with a white dude, you know. You feel like you’re in a Wes Anderson movie or something.
And you know, white dudes, they teach you about a lot of cool stuff like voting and recycling, and disturbing documentaries.
They introduce you to cool stuff like that and it’s very, you know, it’s hot hookin’ up with a white dude.
I mean, nothing makes me feel more powerful than when a white dude eats my pussy. Oh, my God. I just feel like I’m absorbing all of that privilege and all of that entitlement…
…you know, just right there, through the money hole and just… And then also, he’s so vulnerable down there.
I’m, like, “I could just crush your head at any moment, white man! I could just kill you right now! Crush those brains! Colonize the colonizer!” You know?
But I think that for marriage, it can be nice to be with somebody of your own race. The advantage is that you get to go home… and be racist together.
You get to say whatever you like! You don’t gotta explain shit. My husband, half-Filipino, half-Japanese. I’m half-Chinese and half-Vietnamese. And we spend 100 percent of our time shitting on Korean people.
It’s… amazing. It’s what love is built on, you know? My last boyfriend was Cuban and his family would shit on Mexican people all the time. And I was like, “Hold it. You guys aren’t Mexican?”
Asian-American men are very underrated. I don’t know why people don’t go for them. They’re the sexiest. Asian men are the sexiest. They got no body hair from the neck down. It’s like making love to a dolphin.
Oh, my God. It’s so smooth, just like a slip and slide. Just black fish, Tilikum, all up in my bed every night, you know? Ooh-wee.
You mess with a Jewish dude and your body is all fucked up afterwards. It’s all red and inflamed and you’re like, “I did not ask to be exfoliated today.”
“This is the last time I go on J-date, more like loofah date. Thanks for the rug burn, Avi.”
And then Asian men, no body odor. None. They just smell like responsibility.
That’s where the umami flavor comes from.