Um… It’s a very exciting day for me. It’s been a very exciting year for me. I turned 33 this year.
Yes! Thank you, five people. I appreciate that.
Uh, I can tell that I’m getting older, because, now, when I see an 18-year-old girl, my automatic thought… is “Fuck you.” “Fuck you. I don’t even know you, but fuck you!” ‘Cause I’m straight up jealous.
I’m jealous, first and foremost, of their metabolism. Because 18-year-old girls, they could just eat like shit, and then they take a shit and have a six-pack, right?
They got that-that beautiful inner thigh clearance where they put their feet together and there’s that huge gap here with the light of potential just radiating through.
And then, when they go to sleep, they just go to sleep. Right? They don’t have insomnia yet. They don’t know what it’s like to have to take a Ambien or download a Meditation Oasis podcast to calm the chatter of regret and resentment towards your family just cluttering your mind.
They have their whole lives ahead of them.
They don’t have HPV yet. They just go to sleep in peace at night. Everybody has HPV, OK? Everybody has it. It’s OK. Come out already. Everybody has it. If you don’t have it yet, you go and get it. You go and get it. It’s coming.
You don’t have HPV yet, you’re a fucking loser, all right? That’s what that says about you. A lot of men don’t know that they have HPV, because it’s undetectable in men. It’s really fucked up. HPV is a ghost that lives inside men’s bodies and says, “Boo!” in women’s bodies.
My doctor told me that I have one of two strains of HPV. Either I have the kind that’s gonna turn into cervical cancer… …or I have the kind where my body will heal itself. Very helpful, this doctor, right? So, basically, either I’m gonna die… or you’re in the presence of Wolverine, bitches. We’ll find out.
Um, I can also tell that I’m getting older, because my Kindle is turning into a self-help library. I’m not interested in books like Fifty Shades of Grey, OK? I’m interested in The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up.
Yes. Yes, that’s right, how to declutter my home to achieve inner peace and my optimum level of success.
That’s what your 30s is all about. How can I turn this shit around? I’m a horrible person, I’m not happy with where I am, how can I turn this shit around? Help me, Tony Robbins, help me!
I have a hoarding problem, which I’m hoping is the center of all of my other problems. I’m hoping that if the hoarding goes away, the HPV will also disappear.
I have a hoarding problem because my mom is from a third world country and she taught me that you can never throw away anything, because you never know when a dictator’s gonna overtake the country and snatch all your wealth. So, you better hold onto that retainer from the third grade, ’cause it might come in handy as a shovel when you’re busy stuffing gold up your butt and running away from the Communists.
The last time I was at home in San Francisco, I was trying to help her get rid of shit.
Don’t ever do that with your mom.
It was like the worst experience of my life. It was so emotional.
We were screaming and fighting and yelling and it all came to a climax when she refused to let go of a Texas Instruments TI-82… manual. The manual.
She don’t even know… where the calculator is.
Those of you under 25 probably don’t know what that calculator is. It was this calculator that bamboozled my generation. We were all required to buy it when we were in eighth grade. It cost like $200. And everybody thought it was like this Judy Jetson’s laptop from the future.
All because what? It could graph. It was like the Tesla of my time.
And my mom got so emotional about the manual and she was like, “You never know when you might need this.” And I was like, “But… I do know… that I’m gonna have to clean all this shit up when you die.”
“And I’m not trying to be a procrastinator anymore. Because according to Deepak-Oprah, that’s not the way for me to achieve my optimum level of success.”